even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
