Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
