Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Randomize
