You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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