another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Randomize
