woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
