That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
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