I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Randomize
