I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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