i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
