I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
