Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
