and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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