you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
