tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
Ketchup is God's man juice
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
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