I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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