rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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