There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Cover your peen. We're going out.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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