Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
