I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
