I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
