party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
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