Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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