I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I'm sobbing to NWA
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
