Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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