Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Randomize
