I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
We left an ass print on the piano.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Randomize
