can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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