I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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