The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
