but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Randomize
