The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
