Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Randomize
