This is not my ceiling
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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