Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Randomize
