just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
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