Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
Randomize
