My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
