You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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