I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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