This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
