Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
