I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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