i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
