those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
