Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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