i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
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