I murdered the dance floor call the cops
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
