Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Randomize
