I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
