I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
It's shark week go big or go home
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
