Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
