I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
